Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Dating Tips-Do You Have a Broken Heart?

"Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of an equivalent or greater benefit."
-Napolean Hill

If you are struggling with the pain and heartache that goes along with ending a relationship you are not alone. Although you may feel very alone with this broken heart of yours there are many people who have walked down this path and who have not only survived but they have gone on to have a great life.

The first thing you must do is accept the fact that this part of your life is over. And remember, "Just because you relationship is over, doesn't mean your life is over!" Acceptance will be the beginning of letting go and healing your broken heart. If you hold onto the hope that things will work out all you are doing is prolonging your pain and avoiding the inevitable.

Now is the time to make healthy decisions that will help you move forward rather than staying stuck living in the past. Here is a list of the top 5 things you can do that will help to make this transition bearable. If you choose not to do these things be prepared to suffer longer than need be.

1. Surround yourself with family and friends. This is the time to call in the troops. Lean on them, talk with them, vent your feelings and get it out so you can put it behind you. Spend quality time with them as well, just don't use them as a sounding board. Go to dinner, to the movies, on a vacation, for a walk, to the gym etc. Just make sure you are spending time with people who love you.

2. Exercise! This is the number one thing that will make you feel better not to mention look better. Exercise releases chemicals called endorphins that will make you feel better and is incredible for releasing stress. It will elevate your mood, improve your self esteem and it will help you sleep. There is no down side to exercise, it's all good, so make it a part of your daily routine.

3. Change your thoughts! If you learn how to tune into your inner dialogue and change your thoughts to those that will help lift you up instead of squashing you further into the ground, you will heal your broken heart sooner rather than later. Your words create how you feel. So learn how to flip the script when you're walking down Woe-Is-Me Lane.
4. Be thankful. When we are so consumed with our pain we forget how much we have in our lives to be grateful for. Make sure you wake up each day and before you start to think about how bad you feel and why and if only and why me, begin each day and count your blessings. Not only will it start your day off on a happier note, it will hopefully begin to put things into perspective for you.

5. Believe in your future. Believe in yourself and believe you will get over this pain. Whether you choose to believe will never get over this or you choose to believe you will, you're right. Whatever you believe you will make come true. So cry, get it out, and then let it go and move on. There is a whole big world waiting for you!

There isn't a person on this planet that leaves it without some type of heartache or adversity that shows up on their doorstep. But, depending on how you choose to deal with what happens to you; how you choose to view it will make all the difference in how quickly or slowly you heal your broken heart.

Dating Tips-The Highest Love Is Real Love

I have been taught that love is not an emotion, it is a decision.
This shift in my perspective allows me to renew my commitment to my husband and our relationship in a very empowered and intentional way. Gratefully, I can decide on a day to day basis whether or not I want to love all those who cross my path, or not.

The practice of loving in the face of crabbiness, indifference, and even anger takes strength and vulnerability. It is not easy. It takes patience and persistence. Once snubbed, it is easy to get on the defensive or withdraw.
The decision to stay the course rather than be thrown off by outside circumstances is a way to peace. It can be a hard fought path, but it is well worth it.

Just today I was talking to someone who thought that all would be well, if only people would act right! I know that urge. It is give a very convincing argument! Here's the rub; if other people are the problem, I'm sunk!
What do we do then when our mate is in his/her own world, especially if it is exactly the most inconvenient TIME! How can we release expectation and allow them the space to be themselves?
One way is breath. Another is seeking a bigger picture. We don't know what our mate's lesson is. If we go in an fix things, we could be robbing them from a very valuable lesson.

The more that we can see that "The Other Person is YOU" the more free we are to be compassionate and know that we are capable of great harm and great good.
I used to get so annoyed when I would get cut of by drivers until I really got to see that I can sometimes drive like a lunatic, too! I can expand that awareness to my husband and others that are close to me and give them a wide but loving berth.

I can also expand this compassion to people who have harmed me. I can relax knowing that they were doing the best they could with the tools that they had, just like me on any given day. Sometimes we act ungracefully, unskillfully, and harmfully. If I emit compassion towards the one that harmed me especially if it is in the PAST, they lose the power to unnerve me in the present and future. Consequently, I forgive myself as an added benefit!

Your Assignment
Next time someone is crabby with you, give them a shot of that highest love. This is the love that asks for nothing in return. When you have succeeded with a stranger or acquaintance, celebrate your success and then try it on you mate! Do it over and over and over again until it works. When it works, celebrate! Then ask your mate how it was for them.
Remember, this kind of love is quiet and wants nothing in return. It is not badgering or explaining your love.

Dating Tips-Love Heals - But You Have to Know How?

Have you ever heard it said that love heals anything and time heals all wounds? Have you actually been healed through love you received or have you actually helped someone else heal through love you have given?
Love does heal but first you have to really know what love is. One way to discover what love IS is to learn about what love IS NOT. WE have often heard that love is blind. A research study at the University College in London found that when one is in the throes of "feeling in love" the areas of the brain that control critical thought, e.g., the prefrontal cortex, may be suppressed. But are they really talking about "Love" or are they merely studying infatuation, limerance, lust or those early high hormonal days of desire for the object of one's fascination?
After a quick scan of what has been said about what love is and what love is not, I have compiled the following two lists. As you read these, reflect upon your own life and your own relationships. Think first about your most intimate relationships, past and current. Then think about your family, friendship and work relationships. Finally, think about your overall attitude and personal beliefs about love.
When you are in a relationship, any relationship, there is a certain way you are thinking, feeling, believing and behaving. The other person is both responding to you and also providing their own ways of thinking, feeling, believing and behaving. This often leads to miscommunication, unexpressed upsets, subliminal attitudes and demands, and outright manipulation, control, disagreements and fighting.
The following lists offer a simplified understanding about what love, unconditional and healing love, really involves. To remain in a state of love, regardless of outward circumstances or the attitudes and behaviors of others, requires a very strong inner constitution. Love necessitates powerful self-respect and a higher understanding of the way the world works.
  1. blind, insecure or desperate
  2. self-centered, self-absorbed, or self-promoting
  3. struggling, fighting, forceful or resisting
  4. arrogant, selfish, jealous, or demanding
  5. mistreatment, misunderstanding or mistrust
  6. submission or dominance
  7. emotional coercion, manipulation or control
  8. critical, judgmental, or even expecting
  9. intermittent or dependent on circumstances
  10. weak, fragile or easily destroyed
  1. patient, kind, gentle and caring
  2. accepting, allowing and forgiving
  3. yielding, giving in and being vulnerable
  4. steady, dependable and unwavering
  5. an inner state of mind and a vision
  6. respect, validation and high regard
  7. communication, collaboration and sharing
  8. focused beyond what the eye can see
  9. action, behavior and manifestation
  10. love for oneself first and then for others
Love heals. Do you know how to love? Take each of the words above, study their different meanings, and then evaluate your own way of loving. How close do you come to being able to love freely, openly and unconditionally?

Datip Tips-Missing Someone You Love - How to Miss Her in Silence

Does your heart long for someone who couldn't have? Has your mind played tricks on you telling you that you should grab your phone and drunk dial her? Do you want to tell her you want her back despite her telling you that you should move on?
Missing someone you love who no longer feels the same way as you do can be very disheartening and heart wrenching on your part. Missing someone you love could give you sleepless nights and yes missing someone you love could leave you feeling hopeless and miserable to the very core.
After a break up there is nothing more challenging than to stand on your own and showing the world that you are not a loser. But then again, you could only do so much because at the end of the day, it's still your loneliness that gets the best of you. So how can you miss someone you love without having to give them a feeling that you are stalking? Let alone, give them an idea that you desperately want them back? How can you miss someone in silence?

Strategy #1: Just Miss Her
When you miss your ex, you just miss her - acknowledge the feeling but do not let in control you. It is only natural to long for her presence or her love but then again, you must also learn to let go when necessary. When you miss her, just think of the great times you had together and embrace those memories close to your heart --- and after it has brought a smile to your face, try to focus on some other things after.

Strategy #2: Write to Her - in your Journal
Missing someone you love could give you a sudden burst of impulsiveness - and because you tend to lose logic when you feel this, you tend to lose control as well. And as a result, you end up sabotaging your self-esteem and your pride. When you feel the urge to write to your ex, then by all means...write to her - in your journal. In your diary, you can express all the things you feel about her - your frustrations, your fears and your pain. You can go all the way with your feelings and it can be very good therapy for you as well.

Strategy #3: Listen to your favourite songs
By listening to the songs that you once shared, you can have an outlet of releasing all the feelings you have inside of you. A song is also one good way to reconnect and to remember the good memories you have once shared - this way, you wouldn't have the angst or the bitterness whenever you think of the love that failed you. Also remember that she did once love you too.

Strategy #4: Paint or make a poem
You do not have to be a Michelangelo or a Shakespeare to pull this - all you need is your heart to get the feeling of sadness out of your system. When a person feels pain and longing, he is always has something to share to the world.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Dating Tips-17 Hot and Sexy Love Notes to Send Your Man

A love note doesn't have to be sweet and romantic, although those are certainly fun to give and get. But a sexy, mouthwatering little secret love note can be just the ticket to inflame and excite your husband or boyfriend on Valentine's Day or any time.

You can let the things that you love about your man be your guide as you write your first sexy secret love notes. For example, write a note that says, "You look incredibly hot in these jeans. How can I possibly resist putting my hands on you when you're wearing them? Or not wearing them..." and leave it tucked into the pocket of his favorite jeans.
You can use one of the ones below or let these inspire you to pen your own delicious declarations and sexy invitations. Be as naughty or as nice as you like!
  1. I might forget the score of the big game, but I'll never forget the hot and sexy action you and I got into after all our guests left. Here's to more... scoring, baby.
  2. I find you to be absolutely mouthwatering.
  3. Thank you for the incredible bath and massage last night. I can't decide whether it's more exciting to get dirty or clean with you!
  4. You make me feel warm and wet in all the right places.
  5. It doesn't seem to matter how many times you and I make love; I still want to do it with you again. Here's to another 10 years of fabulous sex.
  6. Are you ready to feel me wrapped around you again tonight?
  7. I'm a little sore, but I can't seem to wipe the incredibly satisfied smile off my face today.
  8. Let's meet at our favorite restaurant tonight. After that, I can be dessert.
  9. I have several places I would like to have lightly bitten. Know anyone who could handle that for me?
  10. How fast can you get me out of my clothes? I'll help.
  11. I completely forgot to wear any underwear today.
  12. Would you like to see me on my knees, mouth open, ready and waiting? Meet me in the bedroom at 10:30 pm.
  13. My hands are so warm and I wonder if you have something I could... play with?
  14. I've been quite naughty. What are you going to do about it?
  15. I can't stop thinking about the hungry way you were looking at me last night at the office party. Still hungry?
  16. The way you kiss me on the back of my neck makes me want to take all my clothes off.
  17. After the kids are in bed tonight, I have an ache I need you satisfy.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Dating Tips-How to Discover Your Intimacy Boundaries

I recall a couple who came to see me for marital counseling. The wife appeared more committed to the relationship than the husband. The husband was dissatisfied with the relationship due to his wife's physical appearance and had been pressuring her to have cosmetic surgery, including a face lift and liposuction. He felt the cosmetic changes would enhance the couple's sex life and fill the void of what he was missing.

I was quite perplexed because the wife was exceptionally attractive and pleasant, while her husband was not physically impressive and emotionally cold and detached. I viewed the husband's controlling behavior toward his wife as a desperate attempt at trying to fix the relationship without considering their struggles with intimacy. By his own admission, the husband was devoid of emotionally expressiveness. He had been raised in an environment in which his parent's relationship was sterile, non-affectionate, and lacking in passion. This gentleman's wife lived with frustration due to his lack of emotional availability, and she was resentful and reticent to follow through on his need to have her change her image in order to meet his needs for better sex.
I raised the red flag regarding the husband's sexual needs which by-passed his intimacy issues, but unfortunately it was less painful for him to ignore the obvious signs of his emotional unavailability. He continued to pursue his irrational desire to repair his wife's physical appearance, using that as the litmus test for the quality of their sex life and relationship. His wife was vulnerable to his demands and was afraid of losing the relationship. Sadly, she decided to comply with her husband's wishes, ignoring the various warning signs that I had explored with them.

I did not see either partner until several months later. At that time, the wife called me to set up an emergency appointment. She came to my office sobbing as she explained the resentment and humiliation that she felt for her foolishness in consenting to cosmetic surgery in her feeble attempt to meet her husband's sexual needs. Her face was all bruised and irritated from her face lift and I remember her dejectedly saying, "My husband has not considered one of your recommendations presented during our last session regarding the issue of creating intimacy." I was not surprised.

The impact of intimacy lies at the core of every significant relationship. Cultivating intimacy takes a lot of work. Intimacy is a complex set of feelings and behaviors that develops out of a relationship based upon integrity, commitment, passion and respect. Many people, particularly men, get sexuality confused with intimacy. Sexuality should be viewed as a manifestation of the quality of a couple's relationship, not an end goal.

Sexual expression will not sustain a relationship that is devoid of intimacy. Intimacy, however, will sustain a relationship that may lack a degree of sexual involvement. I have worked with many couples who have had erotic sex whose relationships have dissolved. I have never worked with a couple whose relationship was built on intimate behavior that has faltered. If intimacy is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship, understanding its nature is important:
• A partner must take the risk of disclosing emotions.
• A partner must be willing to be honest and upfront in communicating.
• Couples must listen and be non-judgmental and promote understanding.
• A mate must value and cherish the one he loves.
• The issue of intimacy is at the core of all significant relationships.
• The impact of intimacy is much broader in scope than sexuality.
• It's the little things that count - remembering birthdays, anniversaries, surprising a partner with gifts, and validating your partner.
• Demonstrating non-sexual affection, such as holding hands, hugging, messaging, and kissing are intimate acts.
• Cultivating intimacy is important when couples are having difficulty with their sexual experience.
• Conflict resolution is an important aspect of intimacy.
• Being spiritually and psychologically committed to one's mate constitutes intimacy.
• Trust and respect are the cornerstones of intimacy.
• Accepting one's mate with all of her flaws is a quality of intimacy.
• Managing difficult life events in a relationship is a characteristic of intimacy.
• Establishing a romantic environment and making sexual encounters that are mutually satisfying constitutes intimacy.
We only fully know someone by the nature of their emotional experience. Developing intimacy calls for feeling one's feelings, not talking about them. Many partners experience frustration and resentment when they are unable to accurately assess their mate's feelings and end up making assumptions that may or may not be accurate.
Finding meaning and purpose in life is about feeling connected to those closest to us. Those who demonstrate intimacy are not afraid to be vulnerable when it is in their best interest. I believe that our legacy will be determined on the quality of our relationships. The quality of our connections will be based upon the level of intimacy that we create with our most cherished contacts. Waiting for the right moment takes work, not a pill.

Dating Tips-Kissing: An Ancient Practice and Current Marvel

People like to kiss. Whether it's your grandma, your dog or your significant other that you're kissing, people kiss. It's what we do. But did you know it's a science? According to William Case's book "The Art of Kissing", the scientific study of the kiss is called philematology (2009). In fact, the English word kiss most likely comes from the Old German word "kuss" and is probably an onomatopoeia (a word that sounds like a noise). So that wonderful noise that the smooch makes probably informed the word kiss. Regardless of how much you know about the science of it, it's an undeniably pervasive thing throughout the world. Every culture has a kiss and it's considered an ancient custom in most cultures.

For example, the kiss is used for primarily three different purposes. First, the kiss of passion. This type is often used as foreplay. In fact, it's considered by some to be one of the most common examples of sexual activity in the United States, second only to hand holding (Journal of Adolescent Health, 2007).
Similar to this, is the kiss of affection. Although less erotic than the former one of passion, this one is used by many to communicate love and deep connection with another person. The affectionate smooch is not only reserved for lovers, but for all types of love: between parent and child, friends or even a person and beloved pet.

Another type of kiss commonly used is the ritual kiss. Often we see it in historical movies or literature. The subservient kisses the hand of the master to show respect. The Southern gentleman kissing his beloved's hand, even the kissing of the Blarney Stone in Ireland for good luck. These ritualistic smooches take an act of heightened intimacy and make it accessible for the common person. By kissing someone in ritual, people connect with something higher than themselves.
In western culture the most common use of the kiss is for passion or affection. In fact, it's so important to our conception of intimacy that we name different types of them. For example, we have the nuzzling or "necking" type of kiss. We have the passionate French kiss, even the sweet butterfly and Eskimo kisses. Because of the emphasis placed on smooching, and the ability, forums for the practicing of kissing have surfaced. One of the most common examples is spin the bottle, a game used by many teens to facilitate kissing and thereby, the improvement of kissing technique.

Regardless of the type of kissing one is engaged in, it actually requires a significant amount of muscular control. For something that seems like instinct (in fact, scholars are split on whether it's is a learned or instinctual habit) it certainly uses a large amount of muscles. According to Roger Highfield, the act of kissing involves 34 facial muscles and 112 postural muscles, including the kissing muscle, or orbicularis oris (The Telegraph 2008). The good new is that in this case the old adage that "practice makes perfect" is true. The more you do it the more comfortable with kissing you can become in whatever context seems appropriate.